Steph Project Haiti

to blog or not to blog that is the question… some times I am afraid to write things i am dealing with or sorting out…those things are usually wrapped up with my own personal demons and views on or of other humans..so if it were written it would be in christian terms ” judgment” ..which is clearly some thing to be avoided..or so i have been told… but i also am human and need to vent…i have considered making an alias blog but what would be the point… half the things i want to write i am afraid i would be burned at the stake for or hunted down like a witch if they ever got out… i have just spent the last few minutes googling ” fake christians” to see what would come up on my search results…and i found a link to a few interesting articles and this link here which seems to be pretty on the ball  http://www.openbible.info/topics/fake_christians

i honestly don’t know much at this point except that i have a responsibility to care for the poor,orphaned and share my stuff with others ( stuff as in material goods..food etc).. but i am trying to work out my hard feelings towards western society that is all about ME ME MEMEEEEEEE.. so a narcissistic society that is driven by materialism etc..

frankly i rather feel like leaving planet earth in a probe for a while or living in a small hut some where in the jungle with only my camera and some solar power. maybe its time i write a book and sort out my inner demons.. who knows but all i know is i am not the same as i was 3 months ago or even 3 minutes ago..i am evolving and it feels uncomfortable… does that make me more human ? i have decided that i cant follow the rhythm of society..its always been a problem for me but i really don’t understand nor comprehend it..it makes me depressed because i will never fit into it unless i buy into it and act like everyone else…i grew up with people always saying to me ” u are so weird” or ” why are you so weird” so at the age of 14 i was at a shrink and she told me the definition of weird was uncanny and mysterious ..which didn’t make me feel any better but it helped me make sense of things.

some times i want to just unplug and go completely off the grid but then my husband  tells me i am a shiny light and i need to be seen… i love my husband david.. you know he is not perfect but he is wise and such a good friend..its nice to have some one to witness your life even if your greatest accomplishment of the day was washing the laundry. i guess shaking off the expectations that you think others have of you is one map to personal freedom and liberty but its hard to not hear the haters some times or compete with fancy marketing so you can feed some homeless kids… i personally don’t feel comfortable spamming my personal networks or social networks with requests for them to donate..if they want to help kids get off the street then wouldn’t they just have that desire… i have been told that its a balance between both..spamming and not spamming but just asking God..i really like the just asking God and not humans part or else it feels like i am a humanitarian broker..

honestly you cant make people care about other humans unless they feel led to do so… so to hec with the catalogues of kids to sponsor.. use the money to feed the kids instead of on fancy mail marketing campaigns..so lame to me… its lame to me because its not reality… you cant sugar coat poverty there is nothing happy about starvation and disease or not being able to feed your family… life sucks for so many humans and if god only decides to throw me a few bones here and there to feed people thats totally fine with me because at least i am on good terms with him and doing what i feel is the right thing but don’t expect some fancy marketing campaign from me or photos of starving kids to make you feel bad so you give me money…

i actually would rather you just save 1000 bucks and camp on my living room floor on an air mattress so I could connect you to people who are different than you and then you can grow and they can grow and we can learn from each other and live in community and share our things… but i guess i could camp on your floor and have the same experience …oh the paradox…see this is why the jungle is so appealing to me right now..so many questions and so many thoughts to sort out..maybe one of the days when we are doing outreach ministry with the kids i will just suddenly have a spiritual experience where i suddenly have inner peace …i have looked for it in china and its definitely not there..its not in some weird art scene and its not in a church… so i realized i need to just accept my fate and make the most of it but its hard to live among the poor when i am still connected to the rich ..it messes with my head..maybe you don’t think you are rich but you are…but the balance of living in both worlds is the most difficult thing i have encountered to date..

we need to keep functioning so we need to be connected to society and order but the people we are working with are not connected to society and order but we are living a life among them so its too hard to adapt when i am still connected… i wish it was like the old days when people still used mail instead of email and i could mail a letter to you..but here i am on a blog… maybe i can use carrier pidgins ..anyways i was just sick of posting things that are awesome that happened to us because as you know life isn’t always awesome and it can really suck some days but i am happy to be alive..